Aries – This Mercury retrograde period is really tough on you, we understand. No one can keep up with you. Even your Gemini friends have slowed down to a snail’s pace. Some even look like they might be moving backwards. Funny how that relative motion thing works. Who are you going to be pushy with and lead if no one can keep up? And, will they still like you? Wait a minute. You’re not suppose to care about that sort of thing, right? It’ll be our little secret, except that your partner already knows.
Taurus – How in the name of good values can you get an accurate count of ALL your money if everyone keeps making mistakes. You keep telling them to slow down, but the slower they go, the more mistakes they make. If that isn’t bad enough, your ruling planet has also made a hard aspect to Neptune, and you’re even confusing yourself. All this right when you’re looking to invest big in the stock market. That is smart. You know that whatever goes down during a Mercury retrograde will go right back up sooner or later. Probably sooner.
Gemini – Why are you so introspective and quiet all of the sudden? What’s that you say? Someone loves you for your cute ass - uh, we mean assets. That’s it - assets. But, they don’t love you for your glib repartee and your sharp and quick wit. Oh my, that's terrible! Well, maybe you can channel a conversation with Marilyn Monroe. We understand that she was a Gemini with the very same problem. And, like you, she too had a drug problem. She certainly knew how to handle a Mercury retrograde. We, however, do not recommend her remedy.
Cancer – You look very confused right now as you look at the new recipe that Aunt Martha just gave you yesterday. You’re sure that the ingredient that she is referring to is shiitake mushrooms, but the first word is just way too short. We know that your little Johnny ran over her foot with his new skateboard yesterday and that she is a Scorpio, but she wouldn’t be that mean and vindictive, would she? Well, maybe she would or maybe it’s the Mercury retrograde. By the way, do you remember which event you left the kids at? We hope so, but ...
Leo – It appears that you are very upset because your subjects are forgetting to give you the enormous and proper respect that you clearly deserve during this Mercury retrograde. Not only that, your partner is babbling on about something, and you don’t know what the hell s/he is talking about, but you’re sure s/he just gave you the bird. Or, was s/he just pointing. Anyway, you know that you’ll probably have to redo all of today’s pronouncements and royal judgments. The king’s work is never done.
Virgo – A Mercury retrograde period is just about too much for a Virgin to bear. We had just been through this wonderful Jupiter transit with all the luck and opportunities, and you were feeling so good you almost forgot to criticize anyone. But, now with both Mercury and Jupiter (as of January 7) turning retrograde, everything and everyone is even more imperfect. And, people don’t even seem to understand what you’re saying when you criticize them and try to make them better and more perfect. You know that you’re not perfect, but that is NOT the point, now is it!
Libra – Oh dear! You cannot remember who you had a date with tonight. Was it Bill, or Bob, or was it Ben. All you know is that it started with a B. It did, didn’t it? Oh well! You’ll be fine as long as he is drop dead gorgeous, well dressed and groomed, and is as charming as Bill Clinton. But, we do hope it’s not with that Sagittarius friend of yours that likes to fart in the middle of dinner and then announce it to everyone. And, then s/he giggles about it. Well, it’s actually more of a very loud cackle. We know how you hate when that happens. Is Chris Matthews reading this horoscope? Damn it!
Scorpio – Why can’t other people dig way down deep and probe into others’ souls like you do? Then this Mercury retrograde thing would be nothing, because you can read people like a book, can’t you? We understand that you like to dig and probe into other crevasses. Well, that may be true, but we have it on good advisement that you are late for your next therapy session. Now, isn’t s/he a sex therapist? S/he will be when you get through with him or her, huh? Now, that’s how you have fun during a Mercury retrograde! But, who’s on top and who’s on bottom? And, who initiates all these sexy times. It could get confusing, even for you.
Sagittarius – We know you like to entertain by telling jokes, and they’re usually funny. But, no one is laughing now, because they have no idea what you’re talking about. Did Bette Midler have this problem too? Well, maybe she did during Mercury retrograde periods. Who knows. You might also want to be careful with the tube glasses and the china, because you might be very accident prone during this retrograde (even more than usual). Try not to bump into anything or trip while you’re doing that new dance move you just learned while visiting Cambodia.
Capricorn – Oh my! You are soooooo going to have to redo this year’s budget when this Mercury retrograde period is over. You really like for others to get things right the first time, but it’s likely to be YOUR mistake this time. You might be Corporate President or Chairman of the Board, but you’re still human. Don’t let it get you down. You can get that business back into shape in two shakes … just as soon as Mercury turns back direct. In the meantime, review the corporate plan.
Aquarius – Well, it’s that time of year again. Mercury has turned retrograde, and this time it happened in your sign. Good Heavens! What has happened to all your electronic gadgets? Half of them are on the blink! Happens every time, you say? Nothing is sadder than an Aquarius without his or her electronic gadgets to play with. How are you going to complete your latest scientific experiment (or horoscope)? Well, think about the Geminis. It’s even sadder to see a twin with nothing to say, no one to say it to, and no way to get anywhere. That’s brutal.
Pisces -- You’re not bothered by this Mercury retrograde at all, are you? It’s happening in your twelfth house of hidden or behind the scenes events/affairs. You really have no clue what is going on with others, do you? You’re happily in your dreamworld and enjoying those beautiful fantasies. Well, that’s true till mean ole Saturn brings you back down to earth and tells you to get it together. We all have to deal with that sometime. You’re good at dealing with whatever you have to, and then getting right back to the dream.